My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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