apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
