i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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