They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
