I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize