She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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