If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
