I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
whose parrot is this?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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