I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
