Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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