He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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