You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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