its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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