Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's official drugs can't kill me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
