had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
