Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
