We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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