I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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