i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
