If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
