he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
