I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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