i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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