Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
