My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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