She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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