Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
