im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
