I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
