I wanna bring you to show and tell
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
