I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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