if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
