I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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