Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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