I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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