I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
