Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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