i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
