I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
