I met the friendliest cop last night
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
