DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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