They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
