god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
