im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
