Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
