If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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