maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
