it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
