Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
