I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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