I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
