Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize