I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
