I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
