Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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