Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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