The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
