HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
