My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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