Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
