even my farts smell like vagina
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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