She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
